So here goes nothing... Tonight a friend of mine was sad and broken hearted, immediately I rushed to the rescue over the phone only to have the phone hung up in my face, 30 m later he sent me a message saying "I am not in a mood for talking".
I took a deep breath and continued what I was doing, telling myself I was doing the right thing by giving him space though my skin was itching for action. I wanted to rush like the medic I trained to be to help with the trauma, giving him first aid filled with love, attention, advice and hugs... None was given as you can imagine.
The clock kept on moving and ticking and my friend kept on posting more sad and dramatic posts on Facebook as most Palestinian youth would do these days as a cry for help and others around the world. I knew what he needed, what he lacks the most but was unable to give to him myself. So I turned to my sister Amanda, who is also a friend of his, way closer than I ever was.
To my surprise he called my sister just as I went over to talk to her about lending him a hand. I picked up the phone and handed it to her. In the slowest motion and pace, even slower than usual my sister got dressed and called him back to check up on him. the conversation lasted at least an hour and a half using my phone!!
She was in her room arguing things with him and I can hear the sigh and laughs every now and then. she was still signed in on Facebook so I chatted with her a bit asking "if there is anything I could do to make him feel better"... the answer was plane ans simple "No." ٍٍٍٍٍٍSomewhere deep in my heart I felt a twitch, something I never felt before.
The feeling continued and got worse, I kept on typing trying to finish the pile of papers in front of me but without use. It hit me right there and then that I was NOT NEEDED. They don't need me. I tried to remember the last time a friend called and said I need you... or a family member wants me there for whatever reason... but without use. I was not needed, my passion and desire to help others filed, if no one wants your help and no one needs your help then all the attempts to do something about it are going to be ridiculous.
The only one asking for my help all the time was my mother, the kind of help and attention she needed when she got sick. She is tonight so a lot of help and love were given...but what about everyone else?!
Can I live in a country where no one needs me?! Is it normal to have no friends who need you ?!
My mind is playing tricks at me, my heart says yes no one says "they need you" but you know they do somehow, so SHUT up and keep going. whereas my mind said: as a member of my society I am needed no matter what... even if it doesn't show and I am giving help to my society and country...
My insecurities got the best of me tonight, If i am needed why aren't those who need me showing it?! If I am helping my society , then why isn't the situation getting any better?! Can I even make a difference?!
In Palestine where the social network is broken and torn, nothing is for sure and noting is relative.... But how can I tell the truth?
Signed
Confused
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